Balance

Balance. It is a difficult goal for many women, I think. How to arrange priorities so that they accurately reflect our values? How to spend enough time doing what is most important to us? How to negotiate the needs and desires of others in our lives with our own needs and desires?

One common area of difficulty for women is between spouses. I spoke with a woman recently who reminded me of many others I have talked to about the same challenge. She was finding it very hard to get any solitude in her life, and she knew it was crucial to her wellbeing to have it. She was feeling anxiety about it and realized that it was affecting her physical health. She talked about how she longed to have time to paint and write and just to enjoy being alone. Such are the longings of soul, I believe, and we ignore them at our peril.

At the end of the conversation, she asked rhetorically, helplessly, even hopelessly, “what can you do?” I think that is the essential question that we must ask ourselves, but not rhetorically. We need to think about an answer, negotiate a solution. Really, what can we do about such an imbalance?

As women, many of us have been trained to take care of others, often at the expense of our own soul desires. The older we get, I think, the more imperative it becomes to honor such longings. Many of us have competing demands for our time: partners, children, parents, family members, friends, work – the lists are long. And they are all valid needs. But the messages of soul are crucial, as well, and they are often ignored or dismissed. Time for creativity. Time to ponder. Time to be alone. Time to be.

The woman I spoke with expressed a common dilemma; she felt obliged to take care of her husband’s needs for companionship at the expense of her own wish for solitude. And that is the crucial aspect. She could not find a way to honor her need for time alone because she felt that she would disappoint him. This woman knew, as most of us do, that the ignored messages of her soul were negatively impacting her life, even her health. It is a dangerous imbalance, I believe.

I think we all need to find ways to listen to and act on the needs of our inner voices. In this example, it may begin with a conversation with her partner about the dilemma, to explain that time alone is not a rejection of him, but a separate and personal need. It may be necessary to begin by particularizing the goal, both to the other person and to oneself. “I need to take a couple of hours this weekend to do some painting.” Or, “I need to go for a walk for an hour and take some photographs.” Or, “I need a half hour every morning so I can journal or write some poetry or meditate or pray.” And it may also be important to say, “and then I’d love to spend some time with you.” Paradoxically, I believe that one can enjoy a relationship even more, and be more present to the other, when one finds a way to have a relationship with oneself as well.

Soul calls.

It’s not either/or, it’s both/and.

We must continue, I believe, to strive for a balance which honors our own inner longings as well as, and as much as, all the other demands and callings in our lives. Balance.